Friday, July 17, 2009

FRIDAY and BACON

Ok, so I'm at work right now trying to figure out what I should complete today. I know that there are a ton of tasks on my list however,I feel like there's not enough time to get them all done. You can give me a lifetime, and I still won't do it. But I am craving BACON, I walked in the office and the aroma hit my nostrils with force. That titilating smell that gets in your nose and travels to your mouth and lets you get a mild lingering taste of what your missing. I really want some bacon....

To continue on with my Friday, I will try to get 2 big things accomplished today. One would be not to curse out my receptionist and the other would be to drink 2liters of water, lol. Beyond that is not a primary concern unitl after hours.

I logged on to facebook to see that one of my ex's posted from my perspective that he just fucked someone... it upset me a little only because he called me earlier for a bootie call. It's amazing, it you can't get it from one you get it from another. I guess I can't really say anything, I do the same thing all the time "like a boss!" I guess he just wanna be like kee...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hurt and lONEly

I feel like I'm not here... I feel like I'm invisible.
My heart is as cold as ice and nothing is trying to melt away my pain.
Every breath I take is agaonizing to my spirit.

Why do I continue on... why do I continue to live an unsatisfying life.
The tears running down my face are real.
The pain and numbness all at the same time send mixed signals to my brain which leaves me vague questions, no answers and pure and utter confusion.
Am I a bad person to not understand all of the things that happen to me in my life?
Am I so late to comprehend that the lesson I was supposed to learn is no longer beneficial?

When I smile and look past all of the sadness, the loneliness, the indecisiveness which is me... I begin to then see the sadness in everyone else.
I am not strong enough to carry my own cross yet I shed tears for situations that people refuse to see that their in.
Should I tell them, that from the outside looking in, it's clear to me?
Will that bring them to the same state that I'm in now.
I'm not the person sitting at a table called misery looking for someone to join me, but I am the one looking for someone to call me to the table of happiness or decisions or joy.

In each day, whether the sun shines bright or not, there will be a good moment.
I find myself searching for these moments, hoping that they won't pass me by.
Even if it's just for one second, an unexpected hug, a nice email, or a phone call, I appreciate it.
Good or bad, I'm learning and living... alone and dazed but seeking the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

This is that isshhhh!!!

I am so aggrivated with life right now. I have cut out so many things that mean a lot to me and it hurts. It hurts so much because I don't know how to cope with all of the drama. I now that I have issues, who doesn't but to the extent that I know in the bottom of my heart that I am a good God fearing woman, I don't know why some of this shit happens to me!!!



I hate my job, that has been going on for a while but because I have so much to do I can't find the time to find a new one. My job has stressed me out to the point where I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't feel the same, I don't look the same and I know that it's not all for the better. My job is turning me into a busy, confused, hot horrible mess and it's not getting any better. My boss refuses to realize the unrealistic expectations she places on me and no other director. She never encourages me through positive words or feedback and it hurts. What makes the situation worse is that this is in turn how I'm learning to lead... my staff must hate me! It's not even my fault.



I have gained a lot of weight due to all of this stress which is now messing with me personally! I don't consider myself to be beautiful on the inside as well as the out. And unfortunately, it doesn't take much to lower my selfesteem, but I feel disgusting. I feel like when others look at me thier disgusted with me and it breaks my heart. I was going to the gym faithfully, change my eating habits, changed my damn life... and still didn't lose, so what am I supposed to do? I feel discouraged and I pray for help because I can't do it on my own.



Then to add fuel to the fire, the person I had slowly weened myself off of over the past year because he didn't want to be in a monagamous relationship is now in a fucking monagamous relationship. So I feel like it wasn't the relationship, it was me. I want to know when someone is going to be able to give me 100% and not take me for granted. I'm a fucking 80 on the 80/20 scale so how and when will someone get that damn point!



I know that the step before someone else loving you is self love, and I do love myself but I want to be loved mind, body, soul and spirit for the me that I truely am and I want someone who will help me never to lose sight of that because I would never let them lose theirselves amist the flames of life either...