Thursday, July 9, 2009

This is that isshhhh!!!

I am so aggrivated with life right now. I have cut out so many things that mean a lot to me and it hurts. It hurts so much because I don't know how to cope with all of the drama. I now that I have issues, who doesn't but to the extent that I know in the bottom of my heart that I am a good God fearing woman, I don't know why some of this shit happens to me!!!



I hate my job, that has been going on for a while but because I have so much to do I can't find the time to find a new one. My job has stressed me out to the point where I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't feel the same, I don't look the same and I know that it's not all for the better. My job is turning me into a busy, confused, hot horrible mess and it's not getting any better. My boss refuses to realize the unrealistic expectations she places on me and no other director. She never encourages me through positive words or feedback and it hurts. What makes the situation worse is that this is in turn how I'm learning to lead... my staff must hate me! It's not even my fault.



I have gained a lot of weight due to all of this stress which is now messing with me personally! I don't consider myself to be beautiful on the inside as well as the out. And unfortunately, it doesn't take much to lower my selfesteem, but I feel disgusting. I feel like when others look at me thier disgusted with me and it breaks my heart. I was going to the gym faithfully, change my eating habits, changed my damn life... and still didn't lose, so what am I supposed to do? I feel discouraged and I pray for help because I can't do it on my own.



Then to add fuel to the fire, the person I had slowly weened myself off of over the past year because he didn't want to be in a monagamous relationship is now in a fucking monagamous relationship. So I feel like it wasn't the relationship, it was me. I want to know when someone is going to be able to give me 100% and not take me for granted. I'm a fucking 80 on the 80/20 scale so how and when will someone get that damn point!



I know that the step before someone else loving you is self love, and I do love myself but I want to be loved mind, body, soul and spirit for the me that I truely am and I want someone who will help me never to lose sight of that because I would never let them lose theirselves amist the flames of life either...

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