Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Praying for Changes

I know that to see changes in your life, you have to initiate them. I think that over the years, and even looking at these blogs, I have repeated the idea of change and implemented different strategies to get what I want; however, for what I want to achieve, it involves more than one person and I am not in charge of any ones actions but my own. For instance, I want to get married... yeah, I know it's the fantasy of the average woman but I really want a person to spend my life with. I'm looking for a lifetime companion that is willing to accept me for me, flaws and all. I want someone that I can learn to tolerate because I love them so much that I would be willing to do anything within reason. I want to have a family. I want children.But that all involves finding the right person.

I want a home, a place to call my own... but that crap is up to the government. Once we're out of this so called depression, recession and debt crisis maybe I'll have a chance at getting a loan for what I want. But that also involves having a stable job that pays well... once again that involves others taking a chance on me.

All I know is that I want... I want more than what I have but I know everything will come in it's own time. I've been praying for God to send me a man that will make me happy. Don't get me wrong, I've been living life and enjoying my time as a young single woman. I took the bull by the horns, literally and I'm taking life one day at a time. But I want someone who can grow to know, love and respect me for who I am and what I am doing. I've been praying for the courage to take my next step into the world of independence and find what I want to establish as my career.

I've prayed for true friends to support me in these efforts. I don't need people that are going to stab me in the back or talk about me or show their asses. I support all my friends in everything they do and I expect the same respect. I am asking God to humble me. I am appreciative for all the things I have and all of the things I've been able to do... and maybe that should be enough. maybe I shouldn't want anymore because He's been so good to me. I'll continue to pray on it and whatever will be, will be :)

Friday, July 15, 2011

But he's married...need I say more?

I went on vacation in Miami and had a great weekend. It was four of us and ended up being a total of 8 us on the second day! And it was beautiful!!

When we reached Miami it was raining. I was hoping for a good vacation with some new people. I vacationed with one of the girls before but the other two were associates. Once the plane touched down in Miami, I was so upset to see the RAIN!! Every where I looked, there was thunder, lightening and flooded roads. It did not seem like this was going to be a relaxing beach vacation.

Then, one of the girls said she knew someone that was also down in Miami and rented a car. So, off we went, the four musketeers. There were two guys in the car, and it was a nice 2011 Buick Enclave :) Talk about style!! They took us to Ihop and then they picked up another one of their friends... Now, pay attention to the count!! Now it's 3 of them and 4 of us...

We then decided to go to Wet Willlies and get "wet". LOL, we had everything from the call a cab to the streaker!! Then these nice gentlemen told us that they wanted to cook us dinner where they were staying in FORT LAUDERDALE!! And how could we say no to a free meal??

On our way to FT. Lauderdale, we ran out of gas on the freeway and I had to use my AAA. Thank goodness for AAA!! And while I sat in the front passenger seat, I had a moment to get to know the driver that got us stranded in the first place.

He enjoys different genres of music, was in the service for a little and oh yeah, he's married!!

But it was nice to get to know him. When we were finally rescued, we went to a gas station to fill up and then made our way to their beautiful home, only to find another one of them waiting... in fact, he just missed his flight!! Now the count is 4 on 4!! Great!!

We shared a nice family dinner and divulged in some good discussions. We agreed that the next day, we would go to a strip club and have some fun. Before they dropped us off at our hotel, the married one took my bbm pin. He told me I looked sexy, and that I had a nice personality. You know, all the stuff that makes us girls swoon. lol

And now to the nitty gritty, the next day, we met up with them to go to the club. We decided that if the club was in Ft. Lauderdale, it didn't make since for us to ride all the way back to Miami, we could just stay with them... there were several bedrooms and beds!!!

We split into two cars, by then, everyone was paired up!! Me and married were in the back of the Buick. He held my hand, and talked to me every so gently.... swoon damn it because I did!! lol, when we got to the club, everyone was buying drinks and watching pussies pop. He even had a lap dance which turned me on even more. Beyond that, he stood behind me, with a touch caress every few moments.

Then he whispered in my ear, "you know we're not taking you guys home tonight right?"

And then, I knew it was on. I responded," I figured..."

When we left, we stopped at Walmart because they wanted to cook us breakfast. Everyone got out of the Buick except for me and Married. We stayed, talked and kissed. I was infatuated by the kiss, it enveloped my entire body and made me feel sexy and wanted. I am not the one who enjoys being that other woman and I prayed for forgiveness, but that kiss... I prayed for the chance to get another.

And then, everyone came out of Walmart!! They got back in the car and we went to the house. Once all of the groceries were put away, it was time for everyone to go to their perspective rooms. Each girl was paired with a guy, and escorted to a bedroom to get some "sleep"... all except for me.

Married asked me if I wanted some music, and I told him yes. He set up the room and then escorted me in. When he kissed me again, I felt waterfalls drench my barren valley, and shivers go up and down my spine... I wanted that moment more than I wanted anything in a long time.

When I say, he put in some work, I mean Married had a hard hat, a drill and some caution tape because he was about to wreck me!! He made my walls fall down and my knees quiver, my body had felt things that it hadn't in years and I will always be grateful. The gentle kisses, the way his hand passed over my body and his tongue titillated my senses. It was an experience to remember.

When we went to sleep he held me in his arms and softly kissed my neck... and all I could think was, his wife is a lucky woman to get that on a regular basis... and then it hit me: I'm just the one night stand. I might not ever see him again. He lives several hundred miles away and I mean nothing to him.

The next morning, he kissed me. We didn't really talk because we knew we were the last ones to get up. But, in his own way, he was still kind. He didn't ride with us back to the hotel and at that moment, I felt like it was over. My body was still quivering from the night before and for the entire week after because of the passion we shared.

I couldn't leave it at that. I sent him a message over bb with my number and full name wishing he'd find a way to reach out to me. Then when I made it back to work, I found him on FB. I was hesitant to send a friend request but once I did, he quickly accepted.

I don't know if it was as good for him as it was for me, but what I do know is that I'd be willing to do it again. It was a vacation, and it brought me back to life. I am very grateful but I'm afraid to let him know all that he has done for me. I don't want him to feel obligated to have sex with me again but if the thought crosses his mind, I'm open. Even though I know it can never be anymore than a vacation place for him, I think my valley is a warm spot to take vacation.

I just can't get over the fact that he's married!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

I get it, I will grow...

I just glanced last night at my post over the past 2 years and it's about the same people with the same drama. I haven't changed anything in my life for the better and that is really sad. I thought that I had grown up in some ways or that the men had changed in some ways,but the truth is that they have just added a little bit of swag to their game.

I am not a down trodden person. I do have fun and I enjoy the everyday blessings of life. It just seems like when it comes to men, I can't get it right. Even when it comes to women, I can't get it right. I'm stuck on this topic because it engulfs my thoughts, I don't like the thought of being alone. It scares me. I don't want to have to celebrate my milestones alone. I do have friends and their great. I enjoy seeing them and spending time with them in between all the homework, orders and additional job requirements. I fully acknowledge that I don't take enough time out to do the things that I want to do. I feel that it is pertinent to do the things that I need to do.

I want to make time for my friends, old and new. I find it amazing to think of how we are always free for our love interest but busy when it comes to others. That's why we always get mad at our friends when they get into relationships. We never see them. It's like they are obsessed with their new boo and your friendship is out the window. But once you and your boo are done or fighting, then I'm the first person you turn to for support or comforting. Ha ha, you have time for me now... in your time of need... but not in mine.

Don't get me wrong, this is not haterade at all. I like seeing my friends happy. I want them to find healthy relationships that will develop into something everlasting. I just recognize that with the more people you place in your life, especially when it comes to a lover, then the more you have to concentrate on the balancing act of life. Which is a skill that is not mastered by most. I found it hard to deal with my 4 groups. I have my straight girls, my gay girls, my straight boys and my gay boys. All of whom know an inner part of me that the other group may not. I am not saying that with each group I am a different person. I will always remain the same old me, but beyond baseline characteristics, I am different. And it's hard for people to see past their own moral convictions to move to acceptance.

In the long run, I don't want to write anymore about being sad about men. Or at least the same old men!! I don't want unnecessary drama. I want situations and solutions. Lets see how this is gonna work out. Thanks blogger world. I'm getting on my grind :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I am NOT growing like I should- My 2010 Rant

I am sooooo tired of dealing with the thoughts of everyone else. How they view me, what they think, all the negative shit they want to say and all the damn haterade they drink everyday. Why can 't I live a positive life? Am I preventing myself from moving forward? Is wondering why it wasn't me, my fault? Yes I wonder
  • why you didn't fall in love with me
  • why was I the hit and dismiss
  • why aren't we as close as we once were
  • was I wrong to set expectations on a friendship
  • was I wrong to expect us to actual be friends
  • am I so closed minded that i didn't even see it was over before i said it was actually over
  • why do you feel it's ok to pop in and out of my life like i was never there for you
  • why do i feel obligated to be there for you when you are never there for me
  • yet why, in the end of everything do i always end up alone????????

I can't take it anymore. I know that as a regular human being I have just as many fault as the next man or woman. But I also have a lot of good inside of my heart that i try to show those I love through my actions. Why take advantage of someones spirits and kindness like that? I honestly did not think that i had evil people in my life until I take a close look at how often they hurt me and how much. Why should I have to remain your comfort zone only to be hurt by you once again? It makes no sense

I had a poetry stream flowing in my head one Sunday before I walked into church. It was about my ex love. I loved him and he couldn't love me in return. I could recall the way he breathed on my neck was like someone was breathing life into my soul. I could still feel the roughness of his beard against my cheek. I yearned for a moment for his touch against the the softness of my skin. And from the memories and thoughts on when we were together, before i walked into church, i almost had an orgasm. How mentally fucked is that?

I'm praying for salvation, for God himself to rescue me from self destruction due to my thoughts of you and even a year and a half later, you can still bring me to that point. I couldn't believe it. I thought that I was over you. I still believe that i 'm in that process but I am waiting for it to be over. I hadn't seen you in a year and a half and then right after that very same day dream, the DEVIL puts you right in my freaking face! WTF

I didn't let on that my feelings had never strayed which was good, especially since i know you moved on from me. After you told me for 2 years you didn't want to be in a relationship you start dating someone and have a whole album dedicated to it on you freaking myspace. But you know what, that what helped me understand several things about us. I always thought that I wasn't good enough for you, but it was actually just the opposite. You were intimidated by me... by my success and my dreams for my future. It's all good. I have more background knowledge now on the mind of a man.

I realized it after dealing with two more just like you. But I didn't let myself fall in love with them like i did with you. One of them, I was fucking through college. I actually introduced him to his girlfriend. Oh how i loath this bitch, because she took what i wanted to be mine. as time went on, I realized that with everything he did behind her beck, let alone the things he did in front of her face, I didn't want that in a man. I was ok with just getting my rocks off. (Yes that is the man with the big balls inside of me speaking, every woman has one, he just might not be as vocal as mine:) ) But he recently told me that I was too successful, that a man didn't need a woman that has all of her stuff together. He wants a woman to take care of, a relationship in which he can feel like a man and wear the big pants... Whatever dude, so does that mean men want women that have no drive, aspirations or goals? Ok, guess I'll be single forever... YEAH RIGHT, ANYWAY...

The other, I was actually fucking when i realized you and i were over. He was one of my first boyfriends ever. We will always remain friends and we both acknowledge that we would never be able to go into a monogamous relationship because we have 2 different destiny's. But that didn't keep us from doing what we did best, now we haven't done that in a couple of months and he's writing FB messages about falling in love with some chick. I'm not mad at either of them for having someone, I'm just tired of being the prologue and epilogue in someones love story. I want the opportunity to be the climax. Forget the opportunity, I want to be the climax in one story, and that story should be my finale when it come to love.

You want what you can't have and once you get it, you don't know what to do with it. Yet, when something you want is like me, you can't handle it! Yes I am successful. Yes I am going places in my life. Yes i am driven to move mountains and no man or woman will hold me back. i am a pioneer of self preservation: a young, intelligent, educated (BA and MA 2011), open minded, successful (Director by 23)black woman.

So fuck you if you can't handle it. Thanks blogger world, I needed that.

Friday, July 17, 2009


Ok, so I'm at work right now trying to figure out what I should complete today. I know that there are a ton of tasks on my list however,I feel like there's not enough time to get them all done. You can give me a lifetime, and I still won't do it. But I am craving BACON, I walked in the office and the aroma hit my nostrils with force. That titilating smell that gets in your nose and travels to your mouth and lets you get a mild lingering taste of what your missing. I really want some bacon....

To continue on with my Friday, I will try to get 2 big things accomplished today. One would be not to curse out my receptionist and the other would be to drink 2liters of water, lol. Beyond that is not a primary concern unitl after hours.

I logged on to facebook to see that one of my ex's posted from my perspective that he just fucked someone... it upset me a little only because he called me earlier for a bootie call. It's amazing, it you can't get it from one you get it from another. I guess I can't really say anything, I do the same thing all the time "like a boss!" I guess he just wanna be like kee...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hurt and lONEly

I feel like I'm not here... I feel like I'm invisible.
My heart is as cold as ice and nothing is trying to melt away my pain.
Every breath I take is agaonizing to my spirit.

Why do I continue on... why do I continue to live an unsatisfying life.
The tears running down my face are real.
The pain and numbness all at the same time send mixed signals to my brain which leaves me vague questions, no answers and pure and utter confusion.
Am I a bad person to not understand all of the things that happen to me in my life?
Am I so late to comprehend that the lesson I was supposed to learn is no longer beneficial?

When I smile and look past all of the sadness, the loneliness, the indecisiveness which is me... I begin to then see the sadness in everyone else.
I am not strong enough to carry my own cross yet I shed tears for situations that people refuse to see that their in.
Should I tell them, that from the outside looking in, it's clear to me?
Will that bring them to the same state that I'm in now.
I'm not the person sitting at a table called misery looking for someone to join me, but I am the one looking for someone to call me to the table of happiness or decisions or joy.

In each day, whether the sun shines bright or not, there will be a good moment.
I find myself searching for these moments, hoping that they won't pass me by.
Even if it's just for one second, an unexpected hug, a nice email, or a phone call, I appreciate it.
Good or bad, I'm learning and living... alone and dazed but seeking the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

This is that isshhhh!!!

I am so aggrivated with life right now. I have cut out so many things that mean a lot to me and it hurts. It hurts so much because I don't know how to cope with all of the drama. I now that I have issues, who doesn't but to the extent that I know in the bottom of my heart that I am a good God fearing woman, I don't know why some of this shit happens to me!!!

I hate my job, that has been going on for a while but because I have so much to do I can't find the time to find a new one. My job has stressed me out to the point where I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't feel the same, I don't look the same and I know that it's not all for the better. My job is turning me into a busy, confused, hot horrible mess and it's not getting any better. My boss refuses to realize the unrealistic expectations she places on me and no other director. She never encourages me through positive words or feedback and it hurts. What makes the situation worse is that this is in turn how I'm learning to lead... my staff must hate me! It's not even my fault.

I have gained a lot of weight due to all of this stress which is now messing with me personally! I don't consider myself to be beautiful on the inside as well as the out. And unfortunately, it doesn't take much to lower my selfesteem, but I feel disgusting. I feel like when others look at me thier disgusted with me and it breaks my heart. I was going to the gym faithfully, change my eating habits, changed my damn life... and still didn't lose, so what am I supposed to do? I feel discouraged and I pray for help because I can't do it on my own.

Then to add fuel to the fire, the person I had slowly weened myself off of over the past year because he didn't want to be in a monagamous relationship is now in a fucking monagamous relationship. So I feel like it wasn't the relationship, it was me. I want to know when someone is going to be able to give me 100% and not take me for granted. I'm a fucking 80 on the 80/20 scale so how and when will someone get that damn point!

I know that the step before someone else loving you is self love, and I do love myself but I want to be loved mind, body, soul and spirit for the me that I truely am and I want someone who will help me never to lose sight of that because I would never let them lose theirselves amist the flames of life either...