- why you didn't fall in love with me
- why was I the hit and dismiss
- why aren't we as close as we once were
- was I wrong to set expectations on a friendship
- was I wrong to expect us to actual be friends
- am I so closed minded that i didn't even see it was over before i said it was actually over
- why do you feel it's ok to pop in and out of my life like i was never there for you
- why do i feel obligated to be there for you when you are never there for me
- yet why, in the end of everything do i always end up alone????????
I can't take it anymore. I know that as a regular human being I have just as many fault as the next man or woman. But I also have a lot of good inside of my heart that i try to show those I love through my actions. Why take advantage of someones spirits and kindness like that? I honestly did not think that i had evil people in my life until I take a close look at how often they hurt me and how much. Why should I have to remain your comfort zone only to be hurt by you once again? It makes no sense
I had a poetry stream flowing in my head one Sunday before I walked into church. It was about my ex love. I loved him and he couldn't love me in return. I could recall the way he breathed on my neck was like someone was breathing life into my soul. I could still feel the roughness of his beard against my cheek. I yearned for a moment for his touch against the the softness of my skin. And from the memories and thoughts on when we were together, before i walked into church, i almost had an orgasm. How mentally fucked is that?
I'm praying for salvation, for God himself to rescue me from self destruction due to my thoughts of you and even a year and a half later, you can still bring me to that point. I couldn't believe it. I thought that I was over you. I still believe that i 'm in that process but I am waiting for it to be over. I hadn't seen you in a year and a half and then right after that very same day dream, the DEVIL puts you right in my freaking face! WTF
I didn't let on that my feelings had never strayed which was good, especially since i know you moved on from me. After you told me for 2 years you didn't want to be in a relationship you start dating someone and have a whole album dedicated to it on you freaking myspace. But you know what, that what helped me understand several things about us. I always thought that I wasn't good enough for you, but it was actually just the opposite. You were intimidated by me... by my success and my dreams for my future. It's all good. I have more background knowledge now on the mind of a man.
I realized it after dealing with two more just like you. But I didn't let myself fall in love with them like i did with you. One of them, I was fucking through college. I actually introduced him to his girlfriend. Oh how i loath this bitch, because she took what i wanted to be mine. as time went on, I realized that with everything he did behind her beck, let alone the things he did in front of her face, I didn't want that in a man. I was ok with just getting my rocks off. (Yes that is the man with the big balls inside of me speaking, every woman has one, he just might not be as vocal as mine:) ) But he recently told me that I was too successful, that a man didn't need a woman that has all of her stuff together. He wants a woman to take care of, a relationship in which he can feel like a man and wear the big pants... Whatever dude, so does that mean men want women that have no drive, aspirations or goals? Ok, guess I'll be single forever... YEAH RIGHT, ANYWAY...
The other, I was actually fucking when i realized you and i were over. He was one of my first boyfriends ever. We will always remain friends and we both acknowledge that we would never be able to go into a monogamous relationship because we have 2 different destiny's. But that didn't keep us from doing what we did best, now we haven't done that in a couple of months and he's writing FB messages about falling in love with some chick. I'm not mad at either of them for having someone, I'm just tired of being the prologue and epilogue in someones love story. I want the opportunity to be the climax. Forget the opportunity, I want to be the climax in one story, and that story should be my finale when it come to love.
You want what you can't have and once you get it, you don't know what to do with it. Yet, when something you want is like me, you can't handle it! Yes I am successful. Yes I am going places in my life. Yes i am driven to move mountains and no man or woman will hold me back. i am a pioneer of self preservation: a young, intelligent, educated (BA and MA 2011), open minded, successful (Director by 23)black woman.
So fuck you if you can't handle it. Thanks blogger world, I needed that.
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